And in all honesty, sometimes, it feels a little uneven. There have been times where I felt that I could taste only the bitter tinge of sacrifice and rules, and, it has been during those times that I found myself asking God if it is really worth it at all.
Whenever those occasions arose-- and when I realized what I was saying, what I was questioning-- I would be immediately stricken with mortification and terrible shame. "I'm so sorry, God," I quickly relented. I really believed that by feeling this way, I was not right. I felt that I was not being a holy, ( insert synonyms ) Christian, and that I obviously needed an attitude adjustment since loving Jesus was supposed to be the best thing ever. It wasn't supposed to feel like a chore, or a heavy, draining commitment..
But, I think I had it backwards. Or if not entirely backwards, then at least sideways.
My mistake wasn't in thinking that love costs too much. It was in not understanding that it does.
In revisiting one of my previous journals, I came across a small quip that can be fairly accurately summarized with the following:
"God, you're asking too much of me. You're demanding too much of my time, too much of my energy, too much of my resources-- which I have very little of. You're taking it all, and it's too, too hard!"
I complained that to love Him costs too much.
But then, this heavy cost of love was already demonstrated and proven to me.
To love me cost Jesus his life.
So He may ask much of me. But He could ask even more of me. My whole life.
And He gave it first.
This love that I have come to know is not just sweet. It is gloriously sweet because it comes after the bitter. To truly know and understand God's love for me-- and to think on the sacrifice that Jesus Christ paid upon that cross-- carries that very flavour: BITTERSWEET.
Our proof is scarred on hands that bled that we were worth every nail.
Humbled,
bcl.
