Test: F

I have so little faith.

There is a genuine lack of trust in God that I have discovered within my own heart this year. I struggle with a dangerous, relentless sense of unbelief. Trust me. I know.

How?

Because this has been a year defined by one test after another after another. And by test, I mean failed test. God has been stretching me this year in more ways than I could have ever dreamed up. His creativity truly knows no bounds, I guess. The challenges have been non-stop, and with those unending times of trials, came a plethora of tests of faith. Some bigger than others.

Edge-of-the-cliff moments. God saying to me, "Okay. You say you think you trust me. You say you think you know that I am your Heavenly Father who loves you and will catch you. That I have a good plan for you. That my timing is perfect. That you are not forgotten. That I hear your prayers. That I am your Jehovah-Jireh. That I am right here always.

Now jump."

World, I couldn't do it.

The Leap of Faith was asking too much of me.

Tonight at the docs meeting, we did a Bible study on the last bit of James, chapter 5. The title of the passage? The Prayer of Faith.

Didn't see that one coming. But I should have.

Immediately after leaving the docs meeting, I received a worrying e-mail.. and just like that, cue panic mode. My small, precarious, yielding, tremulous, and evidently shaky faith (if you can call it that) gave way. A brutal collapse of all things of peace and truth.. and I along with it.

The e-mail that I received tonight was such a small matter.

Just before writing this post, in my state of frenzied worry, I heard my God.

"Oh you of little faith, why did you doubt? This was but the smallest set-back (again, if you can call it that) and how quickly you were to flounder and break. Come on. Get up. I'm still trying to work on you. I need to continue to strengthen your faith. Trust me. Let me."

So James 5, The Prayer of Faith, eh? Here I come.

I want to be a woman of faith.

-bcl