People who suck

Dear Blogosphere,

Iiiiiiiii'm back! I knew that since I've been silent for so long, my return post had to be a good one. Believe me, I've thought about you guys a lot. All 8 of my beloved followers! And I have often wanted to reach out to you, to speak to you, to update you on how my summer in Los Angeles has been going. But, every time I would sit down to write, I'd realize halfway through the post that the subject matter really wasn't worthy of you.

I wanted to hold out for a soul mate of an idea.

Drumroll, please.

Okay, that's enough drumroll. Put your hands down.

Socially awkward people exhaust me, and I do not like them.

But it's not because I don't like them. I don't mind the idea of them. If socially awkward people were just socially awkward, then everybody's fine. I don't like them because their ineptitude is uncontainable.

Their social incompetence is highly contagious, and no one is immune. You could put the smoothest, most well-spoken person on the face of the planet in a room with a socially awkward person (or, S.A.P., to save time for the purposes of this blog) and your cool friend would suddenly find himself sputtering at the floor, casting nervous glances around the room. Seriously, think about it. By definition, the word "social" implies that there are 2 or more people involved in the situation at hand. Which means that in order for a S.A.P. to be socially awkward, he or she must be in a social environment with another person other than him or herself. Ipso facto, the same must be true for socially awesome people.

See it yet? The awkwardness and awesomeness of a person in a social setting is completely dependent on the people surrounding them. You could be like, totally great in secret, but if no one's there to witness your greatness, it doesn't count! No points for you! Luckily for you, the equation plays fair on both sides; if you suck in private, you also don't lose points. God is just.

Where the equation loses its balance, however, is the weight of A versus a.

Consider the following:

A = AWKWARD
a = awesome

A + A = A

a + a = a

A + a = AA!

The first two scenarios are pretty self-explanatory. If you're reading my blog, you're obviously genius, so I won't insult your intelligence by expounding.

Let's focus, instead, on the third scenario. To help illustrate, let me restate the original thesis-- Socially awkward people exhaust me, and I do not like them. 

This is because of the aforementioned third situation! Do you know what makes a cool person cool? The fact that other people think he or she is cool. A person is funny because you laugh at his joke. He is good-looking because you're attracted to him. He is a great story-teller because you're paying attention to him as he tells it. E'rgo, when someone is too socially unaware to laugh at your joke, to know that she should be attracted to you because you're so undeniably good-looking, or to pay attention to your story, your a is automatically nullified, turning you into one big, ugly A. If the person you're talking to doesn't register that you're awesome, you aren't awesome.

Elodie: Hey, girl. Suuuuuuper cute outfit!
Imogen: Aw, thanks. It's from the 60's. I got it at a thrift store.
Elodie: Oh man, that makes it even better. You're so great at finding all these gorgeous, vintage pieces of fashion art.
Imogen: You're too sweet! I'm Imogen, by the way.
Elodie: Omg, I love that! It's so beautiful and unique.
Imogen: (flips hair) Thanks, I totally picked it out myself.
Elodie: Hahahahahahahahaha!

Imogen: Hey, Phoebe!
Phoebe: Oh. Uh, yes. Hi.
Imogen: How are you?
Phoebe: Good. Your dress looks really old.
Imogen: Oh, umm... yeah, it's vintage. I got it from a thrift store! I love thrifting!
Phoebe: Is it because you're poor?
Imogen: What? No, I just... I like it, and it's hip... and trendy. I'm Imogen, by the way, just in case you forgot.
Phoebe: I remember because your name is weird.
Imogen: Ha, well, I can't help it. I didn't pick my own name, you know?
Phoebe: Yes, I know that. I'm not blaming you or anything.

DO YOU SEE IT?? This is why I don't like socially awkward people. Because they suck by making you-- and everyone around them-- suck too.

And they totally don't care that I'm hilarious and great to everyone else. They are immune to my powers, while I am at all times, susceptible to their severely infectious strain of A. Alas, they ruin even the very best people, including, but not limited to, me.

I know that many of you, like I once was, foolishly believed that being socially awkward was a bad thing, and that if you were socially awesome, you were obviously better off in life. But, I hope that this gorgeous blog post has totally destroyed that lie for you. The S.A.P.s have always had the upper hand, and they will ultimately win over the world.

Thanks a lot for ruining everything, S.A.P.s,
- bcl.