They are waiting for you where you most want to be

For those of you who have ever felt very alone in a decision that you've made. For those of you who sometimes think that you must be the only person in the world who acts or thinks a certain way. For those of you who have ever found yourself insecure, doubtful about a choice you've made. This is for you.

Humans were not made to live life alone. Community and relationships are desired by everyone. Some may be able to survive with less of both, but nevertheless, they, too, will suffer through times of longing for companionship and understanding.

For those who find that they are more often progressing down a path off the beaten track than they seem to be moving with the masses, it can be a tired journey. They may wander off the main path, braving the unknown with nothing more than a flashlight in one hand and a secret dream in the other, hoping-- praying-- that they'll like what they find or that they'll find what they like. Right before veering away from the familiar, these individuals pause at the edge of the trail, turning around to wave one last goodbye to their family and friends, smiling to reassure their peers as well as themselves that they're going to be fine on their own. "I'll survive. Don't worry about me," they say, "I chose this. This way is better for me." And with one final, determined turn of their heads, they're gone.

Alone, they battle true horrors. Doubts creep in. They begin to feel cheated. "I left the main path because someone promised me that if I came this way, I would find a treasure infinitely more valuable than the one everyone else I left behind will come across." They think to themselves, "I was told my courage would be rewarded. But is this truly better? Maybe I should head back." But by the time they realize these fears, it's too late to change their minds; the trail and the people are too far behind. That's just a distant memory now.

For many years now, I have been waiting to jump off the main path. That life just never appealed to me. I didn't crave a traditional career, success, or wealth. But please believe me when I say that I don't think that I'm better than tradition. Far from being above all of that, I grew up in middle-class suburban neighborhoods, took piano and violin lessons, played soccer and basketball, got a dog, went to church, graduated from the University of Michigan with honors, and then immediately began working full-time. I played along for all that time. But, after a year of working a corporate desk job, I was bored. I had the most terrible itch to ditch the 9-to-5 and to try something new. And so I decided to quit my job, and to travel and adventure for a year instead. At the time, I was enthusiastic and proud of my decision. I thought everyone around me would feel the same way, too. And they did.. but only partially.

Me: "I quit my job, and I'm going to travel and see beautiful things this year."

Friend: "Oh, that's so amazing! I'm so excited for you. You're going to have such an amazing time. I'm totally jealous of you. You're so lucky!"

Me: "Well, hey, you don't have to be jealous of me. You can do it too! You should come travel with me."

Friend: "Oh... I really wish that I could, but I have to work."

Me: "But, I thought--"

Friend:"I also don't have any money to travel. Oh, you are just so lucky!"

Me: "I don't have any more money than you do to travel... I just decided that it was worth it for me to spend my money trying something new at this time, you know."

Friend: "Oh yeah.. that's great! That's really great for you."

And there it is. For you, but not for me. So with abundant applause and good wishes, they sent me away. With bags packed and tickets purchased, I set off for Thailand. I had a 23-hour flight to ask myself lots of questions. "Since all of my friends and family are busy working, no one wanted to travel with me. Am I crazy for wanting to do this? If this was really as great as everyone claims to think it is, why am I on this plane by myself? Am I being irresponsible? Do I really want this, or am I just running away from something? Am I the only person who has decided that this temporary "sacrifice" of a career and paycheck is worthwhile? Is there anyone else who thinks this too? Where are all of the other adventurers?"

The answer: ADVENTURING.

One of the very best things about traveling to Thailand is that I got to spend time with so many like-minded individuals. I found courage and assurance in them. While I was there, no one ever asked me to explain myself, like so many back home did. No one asked me how I was paying for the trip, exactly how long I was going to travel for, or what I was going to do afterwards. No one asked me to justify my decisions to them. Among the travelers, the only question that seemed to pass was, what's your story? Together, we enjoyed and celebrated life and adventure. Surrounded by complete strangers, I felt strangely at home. Like I was among friends. We shared about how we arrived in Thailand, how many miles our backpacks have endured, which restaurants we enjoyed, and whether or not it was better to travel around Thailand in a clockwise or counterclockwise direction. We shared our own fears and doubts about relationships and unemployment, sure, but there was no condemnation. We understood. The relief I enjoyed in Thailand was refreshing. I no longer worried that I was the only idiot who took a break from work to play. I was looking for other travelers, and I found them traveling.

I don't believe that any one is truly alone in their decisions. You don't have to feel insecure about your choices. You are not the only person in the world who acts or feels this way-- whichever way it is; there are people who understand. And they are waiting for you where you most want to be.

Go join them!

- bcl.

Far more shameful a thing than being wrong

"Pride probably isn't the best reason behind making a decision."

I didn't tell her at the time, but my friend had just tapped a nerve. Her slight tap sent an uncomfortable twinge shooting up from the very bottom tip of my heart up into the tangles of my brain, causing a deafening echo of "PRIDE... Pride... pri ...pr..." to reverberate throughout my body. The word traveled down to my stomach, leaving acid along its path. I hurt on the inside. 

I finished the rest of our conversation with as much grace as I normally manage, silently applauding myself for an acting job well done. After hanging up, I was left very much alone with my aching, twisting insides. I had the house to myself, and I focused only on the silence around me. The only noise that could be heard was the hum escaping the air vents as heat poured into the house. I became very aware of how loud the heat was; the hum moved quickly into a low growl, and then into a raging roar-- aggressive, almost. And then, suddenly, when I feared that the heat coming out of the vents would burst into a red-hot fire, it all stopped. And then it really became silent. 

I rose to refill my mug, hoping that a hot beverage would help to ease the chill that I suddenly felt against me. I returned to my chair, hot tea in hand. I was sitting alone with my pride. 

I don't normally refer to myself as a particularly prideful individual. I guess I just thought that the word pride seems too direct. Too easy. I am prideful, but I prefer to call it a fear of failure, or a need to please people. Somehow I thought it sounded better that way. 

My fear of failure is true, even sincere. But I am only afraid that the failure will be seen by someone else. I have no problem handling failures when they are committed in secret. It's almost like they don't really count. Maybe they didn't even happen. And the need to please people is true, too. I am prepared to bend in almost every which way in order to live up to the expectations of those around me because in truth, that seems much easier to do than to face any of the alternatives-- disappointment. Embarrassment. Pity. 

I never like to disclose my goals or dreams. Lying dormant and hidden within my own head is where they are safe. I have very little chance at success when my ideas remain available only for my own occasional viewing pleasure, but there is also no risk of people finding out about the parts of me that have lost a fight. I don't like to share my plans until I know they are solid because I'm weary of inviting an audience to my clumsy performance of changing my mind over and over and over and over. When doubts and anxiety arise about my publicized decisions, I fight them with every ounce of will that I have at my disposal. I become stubborn and defensive and frail. I don't want anyone else to witness my journey, I say, I only need you to see the start and the finish line. Never you mind how, or what it really took for me to get there. 

But the problem with all of this arises on the day when you realize that you've signed yourself up for a performance that will last forever and the ending is ugly. You don’t get a break, and there’s no way you can win. In fact, you’ve already lost. You realize that this moment of catching yourself bowing on your knees before your pride is far more shameful a thing than not winning a race you trained for, or for admitting that you are young and insecure, or for being flexible to changing circumstances.

So I’m owning up to it. Friends, I am really afraid of disappointing you. I’m sorry that I’ve given you power over me that you certainly never asked for or want. I’m sorry that I’ve turned you into my own greatest enemy. On most occasions, I wish so badly that I knew the answer to your questions that I pretend that I do. I’m old and I’m young, insecure about most things, and unsure about my plans. I know that you can relate and I know that you have grace enough to show me, and I am asking for it. I’m going to keep changing my mind about most things. In my attempt at staying humble, I often stumble, crashing for a moment into pride on the left, and then self-deprecation on the right. Forgive me for my pride, and I’m sorry about the lies. If you want, I’ll let you help me through my decisions and my changes. I’ll tell you about when I’m embarrassed, and the times that I get broken. I’ll share with you when I’m happy, too.

"Pride probably isn't the best reason behind making a decision."

You are right. 

Thankful that you finally said it straight at me, 

bcl.

Beep, #%!&

Dear Blogosphere,

Today, as I was driving home on the freeway, I crossed into some traffic congestion. A few short miles away from my exit, I tried to switch lanes, but found it a difficult task since the next lane was taken up by a continuous flow of cars. With my turn signal blinking rapidly, I looked desperately for a break in the stream of moving steel and rubber. After some time, I thought I saw a small gap; the car next to me appeared to be slowing down, or at least maintaining his speed, perhaps trying to let me pass in front of him. Unsure, I hesitated to cut him off. The driver then gave me a light honk, which allowed me to confidently switch into his lane. I waved thank you, and continued the drive home, pondering his kind gesture.

Or rather, pondering about the wonder that is car horns.

You see, the thing is, car horns are like really actually just one noise. But for some reason, they can still sound different depending on what each honk is trying to signal.

A mean, "HEY YOU SUCK" honk and a friendly "go ahead" beep are both produced from the very same flat, circular steel diaphragm from within the vehicle horn. But its range of emotion and its versatility are impressive, to say the least.

When I'm raging at the road, the stupid horn seems insufficient. But when I'm just stopped at a pedestrian crossing and there's a little old lady struggling to decide whether or not she should walk and I want to encourage her with a cute little gentle beep, it is far too loud and aggressive.

Therefore, I propose that automobile makers should create different horns for different moods. Think of the possibilities!

- #%!& you! honk
- friendly, Go ahead honk
- crude, Holler at that hottie honk (this one will be a hit for sure. It will make everything so much easier for the cat callers and whistlers who normally have to like, go through all the extra and unnecessary effort of actually rolling down their window and sticking their faces out of the window to scream)
- kind, but stern Move out of the way honk, available in various animal languages
- omg, HEY! honk for when you see your friends and want to get their attention so you can wave very enthusiastically at them until the light finally changes so that you can drive away and then text them about how hilarious and crazy it was that you'd run into them at that intersection, of all places!

You're welcome, Motor City. This is your ticket back to the top. Think on it.

Beeeeep,
-bcl.