Far more shameful a thing than being wrong

"Pride probably isn't the best reason behind making a decision."

I didn't tell her at the time, but my friend had just tapped a nerve. Her slight tap sent an uncomfortable twinge shooting up from the very bottom tip of my heart up into the tangles of my brain, causing a deafening echo of "PRIDE... Pride... pri ...pr..." to reverberate throughout my body. The word traveled down to my stomach, leaving acid along its path. I hurt on the inside. 

I finished the rest of our conversation with as much grace as I normally manage, silently applauding myself for an acting job well done. After hanging up, I was left very much alone with my aching, twisting insides. I had the house to myself, and I focused only on the silence around me. The only noise that could be heard was the hum escaping the air vents as heat poured into the house. I became very aware of how loud the heat was; the hum moved quickly into a low growl, and then into a raging roar-- aggressive, almost. And then, suddenly, when I feared that the heat coming out of the vents would burst into a red-hot fire, it all stopped. And then it really became silent. 

I rose to refill my mug, hoping that a hot beverage would help to ease the chill that I suddenly felt against me. I returned to my chair, hot tea in hand. I was sitting alone with my pride. 

I don't normally refer to myself as a particularly prideful individual. I guess I just thought that the word pride seems too direct. Too easy. I am prideful, but I prefer to call it a fear of failure, or a need to please people. Somehow I thought it sounded better that way. 

My fear of failure is true, even sincere. But I am only afraid that the failure will be seen by someone else. I have no problem handling failures when they are committed in secret. It's almost like they don't really count. Maybe they didn't even happen. And the need to please people is true, too. I am prepared to bend in almost every which way in order to live up to the expectations of those around me because in truth, that seems much easier to do than to face any of the alternatives-- disappointment. Embarrassment. Pity. 

I never like to disclose my goals or dreams. Lying dormant and hidden within my own head is where they are safe. I have very little chance at success when my ideas remain available only for my own occasional viewing pleasure, but there is also no risk of people finding out about the parts of me that have lost a fight. I don't like to share my plans until I know they are solid because I'm weary of inviting an audience to my clumsy performance of changing my mind over and over and over and over. When doubts and anxiety arise about my publicized decisions, I fight them with every ounce of will that I have at my disposal. I become stubborn and defensive and frail. I don't want anyone else to witness my journey, I say, I only need you to see the start and the finish line. Never you mind how, or what it really took for me to get there. 

But the problem with all of this arises on the day when you realize that you've signed yourself up for a performance that will last forever and the ending is ugly. You don’t get a break, and there’s no way you can win. In fact, you’ve already lost. You realize that this moment of catching yourself bowing on your knees before your pride is far more shameful a thing than not winning a race you trained for, or for admitting that you are young and insecure, or for being flexible to changing circumstances.

So I’m owning up to it. Friends, I am really afraid of disappointing you. I’m sorry that I’ve given you power over me that you certainly never asked for or want. I’m sorry that I’ve turned you into my own greatest enemy. On most occasions, I wish so badly that I knew the answer to your questions that I pretend that I do. I’m old and I’m young, insecure about most things, and unsure about my plans. I know that you can relate and I know that you have grace enough to show me, and I am asking for it. I’m going to keep changing my mind about most things. In my attempt at staying humble, I often stumble, crashing for a moment into pride on the left, and then self-deprecation on the right. Forgive me for my pride, and I’m sorry about the lies. If you want, I’ll let you help me through my decisions and my changes. I’ll tell you about when I’m embarrassed, and the times that I get broken. I’ll share with you when I’m happy, too.

"Pride probably isn't the best reason behind making a decision."

You are right. 

Thankful that you finally said it straight at me, 

bcl.